I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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