i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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