I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
