Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
