I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
