You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
