My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
