We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If its not for food we ain't going out.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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