So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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