I wish my penis had an off switch
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
