it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
