They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
someone owes me an orgasm
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
