SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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