Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
