dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Randomize
