The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
