my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
