I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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