guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
