My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize