ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
