The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
