your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
