Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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