Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
