I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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