You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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