he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
