Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
