i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Found your dick twin last night
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize