peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
