Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
