i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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