Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
