I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
