I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
