I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
