i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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