dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
