Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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