saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i was born a porn star she said
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
