one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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