Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
