I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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