I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
