After last night, I could never be a politician.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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