The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Someone came in the potted fern
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
