I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
