Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
