I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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