I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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