my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
